I knew World Suicide Prevention Day was coming up soon; so when I googled it today, I was glad I didn’t miss it. I’ve been wanting to touch on this issue for a while now and even filmed a vlog that I didn’t end up uploading.
I have been fortunate enough not to have been closely affected by the tragedy of suicide. No one in my immediate or extended family, my close friends or their families has had to face losing a loved one this way. Still, whenever I hear about it – and it happens a lot – it breaks my heart. What makes it worse is when the people you expect it of the least contemplate taking their own life. It makes me wonder if I know my friends well enough to know that they are not suicidal.
I’m not suicidal – at least, I don’t think I am; but sometimes when I’m feeling especially low and frustrated with myself and my failures, I have to admit my feelings can get very dark.
A lot of you may know I am quite the shy introvert. I like being by myself simply because being around people makes me uncomfortable and I don’t know how to act around them. That doesn’t mean I like the way I am or am even happy when I’m all alone.
It’s not good to be alone. Humans were made to be together, to interact and build each other up, to encourage and challenge one another. I admit some people are difficult to be around. It’s hard to like them, encourage and help them. Sure, I’m one of those people. I’ve been called rude and mean, very disagreeable, selfish, proud and taciturn. It’s hard to be my friend. I can’t explain it. Sometimes I wonder why everyone else can get along but it’s as if I don’t exist. If you’re such a friendly, open and talkative person, what would be so hard about talking to me? I wonder if there’s a sign on my forehead “Not worth it.”
I am glad I am a Christian and that Jesus saved me from myself. He is the only reason I am alive today and the only thing worth living for. Were it not for Him, I’d have killed myself long ago. Because of Him, I know that my failures are forgiven. Past, present, future. That doesn’t make being a failure easier, but it gives me hope. The only path to true happiness is salvation through Jesus Christ. I know I can do the right thing because He gives me strength. I know I can help people and love them because I’ve been given perfect love.
I need a lot of help. There’s no doubt about that. Many things overwhelm me and I can lose sight of truth and despair. This happens to a lot of people. Open your eyes and try to find that one today. People can be difficult beings, but I dare you to do the hard thing and take time for that person – or even the one who seems like the happiest person alive. Maybe he’s a shattered mess inside.
I love people and from the bottom of my heart, I wish we’d get along more easily. Really, really, really.
And if you feel like you haven’t a friend in the world, I love you.