My Last Post on This Blog

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This is the last post on this blog. It took a long time to decide to quit writing fiction, to quit this blog, and to withdraw from social media (at least for a time).

I’ve been in love with writing for a long time. I’ve been cleaning out ancient boxes full of old school things and my first notebooks. (It’s so wrong that I can remember things that happened twenty years ago… I feel old.) Anyway, when I was five, I received my first notebook with a kitty on the cover. In all my notebooks and diaries since then, there are beginnings of countless stories and talk of becoming a writer.

I think for most of my life, I have known what I wanted. But also for most of my life, I have wanted the wrong things. In some cases, I have wanted right things but for the wrong reasons or at the wrong time.

This last year has been especially rough. People don’t crumble in a day, so I’ve heard. And I guess I never noticed the bitterness and discontentment creeping into my many empty spaces, making me instable and brittle until I finally broke.

There were some supposed highs and many lows – the highs being me thinking I was getting what I wanted, and the lows being me convinced life was not worth living.

It started with a thinking pattern. My imagination and creativity had let me escape reality since childhood. I remember the first time my reality became subject to my imagination. I shocked myself. And then I made a mistake.

I didn’t stop it.

And so my imagination took over reality, and I lived in a fantasy world. It felt really nice. I was loved just the way I wanted to be. I got what I wanted in whatever way I wanted.

Not many of you know that my father is a pastor and has been in full-time ministry for as long as I can remember. I have never been one to doubt God’s existence or His love and work. I have always known that as a ruthless sinner, I need forgiveness, which is only offered through faith in Jesus Christ. Still, as a child, I tried to please God by attempting (and failing miserably) to be a good girl and repeatedly asking for forgiveness, by memorizing Bible verses, and whatnot. I was twelve when I realized there was nothing I could do to gain God’s favor, but that I needed Jesus’ righteousness to make me right before God. Since then, I have been safe in the hands of the loving Father.

But I had a lot to learn.

I wanted God’s blessing but I knew that if I didn’t live in obedience and trust, I should expect nothing but chastisement. Yes, Jesus took away the punishment of my sin; but as God’s child, He disciplines and corrects me as any faithful father would his child.

I learned that no matter how enticing sin looks, it is a sour fruit in the end and not worth the pain. Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking or if I was thinking at all. I have several childhood friends who turned their backs on God and live their lives independent of Him. I remember watching and incredulously thinking, “Why? How? How can they willingly and knowingly turn their backs on the Truth. They know the consequence. How do they live with it?”

Not long ago, I wanted to turn my back on God. And maybe I tried running away from Him several times. I had asked Him for good things, right things, honorable things; but He wasn’t giving them to me. And then to make matters worse, He seemed to be threatening to take away the person I loved most.

I remember sitting on my bed after several days of holding back tears. I probably have never cried harder and in the background my music was playing Chris Tomlin’s “Jesus Loves Me.”

Jesus – He loves me

He is for me

Jesus – How can it be?

He loves me

He is for me

 My heart was screaming at God that no, He did not love me. He was not for me. How could a gracious God treat me like this? A God, who claims to be good and loving and righteous and merciful.

There were two options – either…

  1. God was a liar or
  2. I didn’t know Him the way I always thought I had.

There is only one reason why I didn’t turn my back forever.

God held onto me. He wouldn’t let me go. He had me in His hands all along.

And it was then I realized that even though I knew everything about Him, I did not know Him.

Yes, I knew that God is a merciful God and quick to forgive; but I hadn’t been able to ask for forgiveness or simply pray for a very long time. There was too much guilt and shame.

I had distorted my view of God. To me, He was small. He was finite, limited, incapable.

Thanks be to God, I picked up one of the 3,000 theology books (no joke) in our home and started reading. Basically, the author slapped me in the face and pointed.

He pointed to an infinite God. A God of infinite mercy and grace and love. A God who never loved me less or more than on this very day. A God that is far, far greater than my ugliest sin. A God who never changes. A God who keeps His promises. A God who died for a vile sinner such as myself. A God whose wisdom is perfect. A God who is perfect. Asking for something other than what God had planned for me was asking for something that was less than perfect. How stupid of me!

You can’t forsake something you love more than God. I clung to many things, but after coming to Jesus and weeping at His feet, He forgave me like He did the sinful woman in Luke 7. He forgave me much, and so I love Him all the more.

Jesus describes discipleship as taking up my cross daily. A cross, a brutal execution instrument. I slay myself daily for Jesus now. Believe me, there is a lot to slay.

Every single day, I fail. I fall. I mess up. But now, I don’t lie sulking on the ground, hopeless and frustrated. In Psalm 37, God promises that I will not fall headlong because He is holding my hand. The righteous ones have never been forsaken and never will be. I take God by His word now. And it gives me freedom. And happiness. The real kind.

Life just got that much richer.

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As a part of forsaking things I once loved more than my God, I will no longer be posting on this blog. I’ll be dabbling on a new blog (It’s still under construction but HERE is the link), but it will probably have little to do with writing and such, so I understand if our ways part here. Otherwise, I’d be happy for you to drop by.

Oh yeah, and my name is actually Hanna.

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An Epilogue to The Past, A Prologue to The Beginning

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INTRODUCTION

Every morning when I wake up and get out of bed, there are certain facts I may not always be aware of. Mainly, each day could bring anything. It could be my last, my best, my worst, my craziest, or my saddest. On this day, I could meet a person I think of every day for the rest of my life. My life could change drastically or it might not. I might crawl under my covers at night, failing to see the purpose in the past sixteen hours I spent out and about.

This past year has been many things. The last 365 days have impacted who I am and how I see this world, and so many things have changed. It’s been the best, the worst, the craziest, the saddest, the happiest, the most confusing series of days in my life.

There is a lot left to figure out, to deal with, to come to terms with; and deciding what to do with this blog is just one small part. For a number of reasons, I have considered giving up writing and deleting this blog. I can hardly do either. But as it appears, I will be putting writing on hold and eventually taking down all content from this blog.

As a sort of “good bye (for now)”, I am posting a twelve-part (hopefully twelve parts, we’ll see) “epilogue”, describing my last year and all the glorious (or not so glorious) things that came with it. Well, I’m actually not sharing my secrets – just mainly feelings. But they are very personal.

I hope you can relate to some of my feelings or that I may encourage you in some way. I will be posting the parts as they come – I am guessing every other day or so. Stay tuned!

If you had to describe your last twelve months in one word, what would it be? After much deliberation, I think mine is “intense.” 😀 Tell me yours in the comments!

Picking Up Projects

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I am probably the most indecisive, undisciplined writer there is. Making up my mind about writing is impossible. I am very torn. I love writing and miss it very much, but the other side of me says I don’t have the time and there are more important things in life than writing stories that no one benefits from anyway.

Every now and then, I go back and read old things I have written. I started NaNoWriMo 2014, but quit about a quarter of the way into it. That was a big deal to me. Anyway, I actually really liked my story idea. In my humble opinion 😛 , I think it’s pretty cool. I got about 18k into it and then stopped. Here is the last bit I wrote:

I wanted us to stay alive.
I thought about the wish he gave me on the shooting star. I thought about our night together and how much we had thought we meant to each other and knew each other. I did know him now, but it wasn’t that way. It wasn’t the I-want-20-million-children-from-you way, or even that I needed him close. I needed love. And it wouldn’t have to be complicated.
I took a deep breath. “I hear them,” I said.

If I could only discipline myself to find a healthy balance between writing and life. I so easily obsess over things…

Have you ever “taken a break” from writing? What made you quit? What made you pick it up again? How do you balance writing and real life? I need advice. 🙂

Fifty Shades Makes Me Angry

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Fifty Shades of Grey. 

It’s driving me crazy and every time I sit down to write a rant about a topic pressing my mind, I never end up posting it because I am not good at making an argument. I am not going to try to be all writerly about this and just name a few points. So, bear with me — or not.

  1. Reading about and watching other people have sex is wrong. The Bible is clear on whose “nakedness you shall and shall not uncover” and I’ll tell you it’s pretty limited. To your spouse.
    I remember a couple years back in school, we had to watch a movie about some young girl who got into prostitution because of drugs, etc. I was able to discretely slip out of the classroom when things got inappropriate, but the next week, when we had to finish the second half, I went to my principal and asked to be permitted to pass on watching the rest of the film. I told her that I didn’t want to watch the movie and what people were doing in it because it is wrong. She did not understand that I meant…
    – not only is what the people are doing wrong,
    — it is wrong to watch it.
  2. Our society is crumbling. There are many bad movies out there with a lot of bad content, but it disappoints me that immoral and violent sex is so openly talked about, praised, glorified, and promoted in our society. It’s sinfulness. Take a look around and honestly ask yourself whether society is moving upward or downward. Sorry, but from over here, it looks like it’s going down hard and fast.
    Any society that does not uphold good and honorable traits — kindness, faithfulness, compassion and self-control to name a few — is doomed to… Well, it’s just doomed. Sin will corrupt and is corrupting our society, and no one seems to care.
  3. People will get hurt. Whether physically or emotionally, I don’t think this movie (and book) is going to have a positive effect on any relationship.
    One thing that made me especially upset was an article about hardware (and other) stores preparing for certain customers for when the movie is finally released. Any relationship that needs Fifty Shades of Grey or any other pornographic film to inspire or spice up their sex life is heading in the wrong direction anyway. A spicy sex life is fine and good, but it shouldn’t and can’t be because of a movie. That is not the solution.

I could honestly go on and on about this. It’s hard to sort everything so that it makes sense, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it yesterday when I was walking home from school. And I say it makes me “angry.” By that, I mean that is disappoints me and makes me upset, mainly because it is an offense to God and His holiness. It ruins the true and original meaning of love and sex. I’m sad that so many people are excited about going to the cinema to see the film — and are totally okay with it.

I’m all for discussing this. If anything didn’t make sense or you have an opinion on this, please ask or share in the comments.

 

P.S. Here are two articles that talk about this issue better than I just did. 😀

  • Fifty Shades of Nay: Sin Is a Needle, Not a Toy (Click HERE)
  • I’m Still Not Reading (or Watching) Fifty Shades (Click HERE)

Update: I have not read the books, and will obviously not be seeing the movie.

On a Dreary Day

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Could you love me on a dreary day? On a day when the sky is one color – and not even a pretty color, could you look me in the eyes and still say that I’m all you need to be happy?

I want to dance under a gray sky with you. On a bleak day with little hope for sunshine, I want to hold your hand and laugh until we cry.

I want to cry with you, because life is hard and painful and sometimes I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do without you.

I believe in love at first sight. I believe in finding the one. I believe in you.

The most ordinary days are special. Messy hair, tangled sheets, cornflakes with milk, sweats, going nowhere, saying little, loud music, everyday chores, and routine is everything to me. It is enough.

Like a pale blue sky with an array of colored clouds as the sun goes down. What would this world be without the sun? What would life be without evening and the setting of its light?

Source: Flickr

Source: Flickr

You’re my life really. You’re my sun. My evening. My colors.

You captured me for good. And I love you always.

Of Patience And Pain

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One Day at A Time

It doesn’t matter who you are, life contains pain. And it’s hard.

Due to chronic illness, physical pain overrode my life yesterday. It had never been that bad. Strangely enough, it left as quickly as it came; but one pain leaves and another one comes. Or one is there all along. It doesn’t have to be physical. It can be deep emotions that simply hurt. It can be feelings that make me want to despair. It can be uncertainty, emptiness, and loneliness. Pain, you know.

A kind friend reminded me to take one day at a time. He said, “You don’t need to know when you’ll feel better. You don’t need to know how much of a fight this will be for the rest of your life. You can take ‘just’ today and use it to honor God.”

Fool Me

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It is both a satisfying and frightening feeling to gain a better understanding of the world and the people in it.

I’ve always been more of a loner. I don’t readily share my feelings with even friends or family, but I was still surprised when one of my closer friends told me I was unemotional. I didn’t know what to say or how to explain that I do feel.

I feel emotions. I don’t share or express them, but that doesn’t mean they’re not there.

Sometimes I watch strangers on the street, in the train, at the store, in class; and I wonder what kind of people they are. Can they feel this deeply too? What are their fiercest and burning passions?

I feel lucky to be able to love like this. To be loved. To understand the why’s and how’s of life.

To smile in sadness.

To cry when I’m happy because nothing should change. I want you here forever. I couldn’t change.

I hope I don’t change. I watch the world and people and what they call love. It terrifies me to think I could grow cold.

I’m young and naive. Impressionable. But I don’t want to be fooled.

Fool my feelings and me, and I don’t think I’d survive the downfall of every emotion once held up by pillars of passion and adoration for you.

You know it’s about you. It’s always about you.